The focus of my life has changed in the months since I began this blog. I don't know if anyone even reads this, and I know this change is certainly not life-altering for anyone. I enjoy blogging, what little I have done of it, and I enjoy reading the posts of other people. Isn't it strange though to write publicly about private lives.....it has always been done I guess though not in an electronic and potential far-reaching way...
I am rambling. Sorry, I shouldn't be writing before I've had at least a cup of coffee in the morning.
Anyway, I deleted the first post of this blog and changed its title. Looking back on that first post it seems so frivilous now at this point in my life. I've lost dear loved ones, been given great and happy news of the soon arrival of my first grandchild, been dealing with ins and outs of kids growing up and leaving home, and also coming to grips with the possiblity that my youngest may never really ever grow and go out on his own. He has autism. We've been dealing with this for several years but I think in some ways it is only just beginning to sink in, how all encompassing this condition is.
Yesterday my children and I all went to the city for a day trip. Long story short, it was NOT a good idea to have brought my little son. Though the first part of the day went well, the last part was awful. We had to walk several blocks through the downtown area with my son in the midst of a major meltdown. The wind was blowing so cold, my poor son was at that point so tired from the day. My 18 year old, God bless him, carried his little brother much of the way and stayed wonderfully calm with him. The yelling and kicking continued as we boarded the commuter train and as I treid to calm him down and hold him in his seat I prayed it would stop. We must have received many glares from onlookers, though I didn't look up to see any of them. Eventually, thankfully, my son settled down. I turned my face to the window and tried not to sob.
Many things I've wondered about have seemed to be answered now...no we can't take my son to Disneyland. No, he can't go on any long trips on a plane or a train. He possibly won't ever be able to experience many of the things that most 'normal' kids do. But to him, it doesn't matter. The loss is more on our side than his.
The things that Do matter though, he experiences every day and God willing, he will continue to. He is alive and physically healthy and for that I am Very thankful. I wonder sometimes why God allowed this to occur in our family and what possible benefit it could be to my son or to any of the rest of our family. Yet at the same time I am blessed by a boy who loves all of us unconditionally, as much as he has the ability to. I am thankful that his form of autism does not include the social withdrawal of not wanting to be touched. He is very demonstrative and affectionate. He doesn't hold grudges. He doesn't look down on other people. He really seems to have no expectations of people (except maybe Mom....
I know Jesus put my son in our family for many reasons that I won't likely know this side of heaven. Patience and perseverance and putting aside selfishness for the sake of another, these are things our whole family is forced to learn like it or not. Trusting Him in Everything is the biggest thing for me I think. And so we go on....
God bless you, anyone who might read this. I'll be back later. I know there will be more to write as life seems to get revised every day.
