It's been a loooong time.....can I even get this to work anymore? Testing 1 2 3 ......

Ok, I am obviously not much of a blogger. I would love to be....I am very encouraged by the blogs I follow (though I only really keep up with a few on my long 'follow' list) and I really admire the authors of them. I do love to write but I am intimidated. by what exactly I can't tell you! I am too afraid of far too many things. Material for prayer I guess. I suppose a good way to work on that is to post something at least a couple of times a week. I have heard/read that many authors just make themselves write a certain amount of time each day. So I will try to do this. Or as Yoda said, "Do, or do not. There is no try." I especially love when people post photographs or graphics on their blogs. I have yet to figure out how to do that but I will find out. I love that I can post music on my page, in fact I want to see if I can insert my music player near the top of this blog so that it starts whenever someone happens to read. I love love love music on blogs, it tells a lot about the author. I love music in general. In fact sometimes Jesus seems to wake me up with particular songs in my mind. It usually takes me a few moments to notice this, and I appreciate very much when He does this. Last night I spent some time reading through a couple of old journals. I have been feeling very stressed and pulled in opposing directions lately....I remembered a couple of years ago I was feeling just the opposite of that....and so I read some pages from that time. It definitely helped. And Jesus reminded me to just let go of everything and stop trying to figure things out on my own. Man, I don't know why it takes me so long to really comprehend something so simple. Is anyone reading? LOL. Well, no matter. I will use this to build some self discipline in my life if nothing else. I do want to write. So here I go.

revisions~

The focus of my life has changed in the months since I began this blog. I don't know if anyone even reads this, and I know this change is certainly not life-altering for anyone. I enjoy blogging, what little I have done of it, and I enjoy reading the posts of other people. Isn't it strange though to write publicly about private lives.....it has always been done I guess though not in an electronic and potential far-reaching way...

I am rambling. Sorry, I shouldn't be writing before I've had at least a cup of coffee in the morning.

Anyway, I deleted the first post of this blog and changed its title. Looking back on that first post it seems so frivilous now at this point in my life. I've lost dear loved ones, been given great and happy news of the soon arrival of my first grandchild, been dealing with ins and outs of kids growing up and leaving home, and also coming to grips with the possiblity that my youngest may never really ever grow and go out on his own. He has autism. We've been dealing with this for several years but I think in some ways it is only just beginning to sink in, how all encompassing this condition is.

Yesterday my children and I all went to the city for a day trip. Long story short, it was NOT a good idea to have brought my little son. Though the first part of the day went well, the last part was awful. We had to walk several blocks through the downtown area with my son in the midst of a major meltdown. The wind was blowing so cold, my poor son was at that point so tired from the day. My 18 year old, God bless him, carried his little brother much of the way and stayed wonderfully calm with him. The yelling and kicking continued as we boarded the commuter train and as I treid to calm him down and hold him in his seat I prayed it would stop. We must have received many glares from onlookers, though I didn't look up to see any of them. Eventually, thankfully, my son settled down. I turned my face to the window and tried not to sob.

Many things I've wondered about have seemed to be answered now...no we can't take my son to Disneyland. No, he can't go on any long trips on a plane or a train. He possibly won't ever be able to experience many of the things that most 'normal' kids do. But to him, it doesn't matter. The loss is more on our side than his.

The things that Do matter though, he experiences every day and God willing, he will continue to. He is alive and physically healthy and for that I am Very thankful. I wonder sometimes why God allowed this to occur in our family and what possible benefit it could be to my son or to any of the rest of our family. Yet at the same time I am blessed by a boy who loves all of us unconditionally, as much as he has the ability to. I am thankful that his form of autism does not include the social withdrawal of not wanting to be touched. He is very demonstrative and affectionate. He doesn't hold grudges. He doesn't look down on other people. He really seems to have no expectations of people (except maybe Mom....

I know Jesus put my son in our family for many reasons that I won't likely know this side of heaven. Patience and perseverance and putting aside selfishness for the sake of another, these are things our whole family is forced to learn like it or not. Trusting Him in Everything is the biggest thing for me I think. And so we go on....

God bless you, anyone who might read this. I'll be back later. I know there will be more to write as life seems to get revised every day.

My Shepherd is gently leading me

I have been through an interesting and in some ways, dramatic time in my life recently. During these past few months I've learned much, don't know if I want to share it all publicly here at this point, but....maybe later....

Last month I lost one of my dearest friends. She died at the beginning of September, on the birthday of my Dad. Then my Dad passed away on the 25th of September. Both of these events were sudden and unexpected. I am amazed at how Yeshua has carried me through with His love. Looking back I can see ways in which He was preparing me for these very sad changes. He spoke to my heart once the word "elah." In my spirit I knew He was directing me to look it up in the Strong's Bible concordance which has every single word in the Bible listed, with its Hebrew or Greek meanings.
The word elah was the name of a specific person, I knew that was not the meaning of it for me....then reading just a little further, I learned the other meaning of this word is "Strong support." Yeshua was telling me He is my strong support. At the time this blessed me very much, but now I can see He told me this in advance for a reason, knowing the grief I would soon be going through. How amazing and kind He is, how amazing and wonderful is His faithfulness and Love. Truly I could not live without Him, and I wouldn't want to if I could.

Today I discovered this beautiful article, a testimony of a miracle of the Eucharist. It is different kind of miracle than what you might expect. I hope you'll take a minute to read this. It is definitely food for thought and prayer for me at this time especially.
http://salesianity.blogspot.com/2010/06/srbriege-eucharistic-miracle.html

Thank you Fr.Stephen for posting that!!!

A dear friend's last gift

I received some sad news today....my dear friend Amy McCutcheon from NY
passed into the presence of Yeshua yesterday. She had recently learned
she had a heart condition that could cause her to pass at any time. She
was not afraid of that at all. She had longed to be with Him so much,
now she is in the fullness of His Presence.

Just a month or so ago the Lord had put it on my heart to ask her to
paint a particular picture for me. A few years ago a lady I know had a
dream about Jesus and I, and she shared it with me. In this dream, He
was represented by His Cup, and my love for Him was represented by a
Hebrew Tallit that was covering the Cup. So I asked Amy to paint this.

Only last week Amy sent me an email showing me the finished painting. To her she said it represented His Marriage Cup...as when a Jewish man offers a cup of wine to his beloved when she accepts his proposal of marriage. So I know now this
painting was not for me alone. I believe the time for Him to come again
is so close...and He is calling out to those who will hear His voice,
to accept and receive His great love for each one of us.

I am so sad about losing my friend, but I am Rejoicing for her. And I
know Yeshua has JOY at having one of His Brides home by His side at
last. She has accepted His proposal, and she is one with Him forever. I love you Amy. See you when I get there too.
painting by Amy McCutcheon

Healer Of My Soul

Yeshua really has been healing and changing me from the inside out....my desire for order in my surroundings is a reflection of that, I am sure.

Made the decision last night to finally stop coloring my hair. My daughter Steph cut it short for me last night and I am loving it! It was so damaged and out of control, frizzy no matter what I did. Now it's nice and healthy again, I tied a rolled up bandana around my head this morning and it's so nice to have my hair out of my face.

I know it could take up to 2 years to be fully grown out to any length, but from what I can tell my roots are really all white now. So hopefully I'll have a full head of pretty, silvery white hair when this transition time is over. I can't wait for it to all be soft and healthy again.

For a long time I wanted to stop having to deal with coloring my hair but feeling the need to try to be as youthful looking as possible stopped me. Also my tendency to self-criticize to a sometimes ridiculous degree, caused me to suspect my motivation was more laziness than anything. But honestly the past week or so, as I directed my thoughts about this to Yeshua, He really gave me a "green light" in my spirit to go ahead with this change. Knowing I have His encouragement in this, I am not worried about the process or how long it will take. I am sure there will be days that I'll feel frustrated but I know it will ultimately be so free-ing to just be myself! The way He made me.

My sweet daughter Bethany was encouraging me years ago to just let my hair go natural, even though I was still fairly young to be white-headed. One time when I was sitting at this computer, she put a little piece of paper in front of me then walked away smiling....she'd written down one of the Proverbs that says something about "white hair is a sign of wisdom and it is seen on those with honor." Something like that. It was sweet and pretty cool.

I returned just a couple of days ago from a wonderful trip down to Texas. I went to a Christian retreat and I can honestly say Yeshua changed my life over the weekend. He has given me a new perspective, and lifted a lot of heaviness from my heart. I know more clearly now why I am on this earth and what He has given me to do. And He has made it more real to me now the truth that I am HIS. Alleluia!!! I know there is nothing I can't face because He loves me. Truly madly deeply loves me.

Well my kids are all back to school as of this morning, but my sweet little boy has come down with a stomach virus. My wanting to catch up on housework after having been away will have to wait. I am glad to be home with him today.

Have a good day and God bless you, whoever may read this! YOU are loved by Him. Amen.